Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dinamo Zagreb take a dive in the second - French gambling authorities taking a close look at Lyon’s 7-1 win last night.


An extraordinary night of Champions League football last night, and no, we don’t mean both Manchester super-powers being dumped unceremoniously out of the tournament. We are referring to the extremely dodgy circumstances surrounding the Zagreb v Lyon game.

Before last night’s Champions League action kicked off, French side Lyon looked, for all intents and purposes, dead and buried. Lagging three points behind second-placed Ajax, Remi Garde’s side needed to win their final game against Dinamo Zagreb and make up a goal difference of seven to make it to the last sixteen.

Well, unlikely as it may have seemed, the impossible happened. Lyon won 7-1 and perhaps less surprisingly Ajax lost 0-3 to Spanish giants Real Madrid. Needless to say, all hell has broken lose today. Ajax are absolutely furious, claiming they are victims of a conspiracy. Lyon are furious that anyone would suggest any wrong doing. Zagreb have sacked their coach and are frantically performing the Chief Wiggum ‘Nothing to see here!’ act. The fact that the French gambling authorities have become involved suggests they have spotted ‘unusual betting patterns’. For example, a large number of bets coming in from a region, say for example the Balkans, on Zagreb to lose, or to lose heavily or any other unusual circumstance.

Let’s break it all down Mulder and Scully style. Ajax are probably barking up the wrong tree, despite having had two seemingly good goals ruled out for offsides. The fact of the matter is Real Madrid’s B side is good enough to win most leagues. That 0-3 result is probably legitimate. Lyon? It is highly doubtful they are involved in any kind of match fixing, more than anything they probably just gleefully took advantage of what has appeared to been handed them.

That leaves Dinamo Zagreb.

Let’s have a look at the evidence, which is beginning to stack pretty high against them.

The case for the prosecution
  • The damning video evidence
  • The timing of the goals
  • Lyon’s goal scoring record to date
  • Domagoj Vida - ‘The wink’
  • The sending off
  • Dinamo’s history of corruption
  • Dinamo sacking their coach

The damning video evidence
This is a real video nasty. The defending is horrendous, suspiciously nonexistent at times. The goalkeeper doesn’t even try to stretch his hand out for a couple of the later goals. It is so bad that Dinamo don’t even appear to be trying to stop Lyon from scoring. Don’t take anyone else’s words for it, judge for yourself. Take careful note in particular at the ‘defensive’ play of Domagoj Vida. More on him later. By our count, Vida is to blame for at least three of the goals.



Another odd element of this is, Lyon’s bland reaction to the goals, as they fly in. If your team scores three goals in under seven minutes, a Champions League record, wouldn’t you at least break into a half smile? The Lyon players react as if they are about to be forced to watch the Twilight movies back to back to back.

The timing of the goals
This could mean nothing, or it could mean everything. Check out the timing of Lyon’s goals. Extremely suspicious. Three goals in under seven minutes? What the what?! Then another clutter of goals in an eleven minute spell between the 65th and 76th minute.

  • 45 - B.Gomis
  • 48 - M.Gonalons
  • 49 - B.Gomis
  • 52 - B.Gomis
  • 65 - Lopez
  • 70 - B.Gomis
  • 76 - J.Briand

It just looks wrong, no? Particularly when you consider..

Lyon’s goal scoring record to date
You may say, ‘Well, Dinamo are absolutely rubbish, so it is no shock they were beaten so badly’. Not so fast! Consider also Lyon’s goal scoring record in the tournament to date. Lyon are a decent side (all Champions League teams are decent sides) but they are known as hard to break down and well organised, they are not known as a free scoring machine. Did you know Lyon had scored just two goals in their first five Champions League matches? Two goals. And now, in one half of football, six goals. Remember, Lyon hadn’t scored in their last three Champions League matches . Nudge nudge, wink wink, cough cough.

Domagoj Vida - ‘The wink’
Back to our mate Domagoj Vida, he who was to blame for possibly half the goals scored last night. If it does turn out that Vida was involved in some kind of half witted match fixing attempt, then someone should probably give the lad an IQ test before he is carted off to jail. He may be exempt from prison on the basis of low intelligence. Strong comments, however we have two pictures to back them up.

First, Mr. Vida winking at a Lyon player after one of the goals. No, seriously. Look for yourself. Winking.




Secondly, Mr. Vida leaving a bookies office earlier this season. No, seriously. A professional soccer player leaving a bookies office, in broad daylight. For real. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Domagoj Vida. Potentially the dumbest criminal of all times.



The sending off
This one is just odd. Zagreb, already out of the tournament mathematically speaking, had absolutely nothing to play for, so what on earth was light tackling midfielder Jerko Leko doing getting sent off for two bookable offences within the first 28 minutes?! Complete head scratcher, or something way more sinister?

Dinamo’s history of corruption
In short, this is not the first time Dinamo have been heavily involved in match fixing allegations. It has happened several times before. Here is an example. What can you say, did it before, more likely to do it again, right?

Dinamo sacking their coach
One last thread to connect, Dinamo Zagreb sacked their manager Krunoslav Jurcic a few hours after this debacle. At first glance, understandable given the severity of the result, however how about the fact that Jurcic’s side lead their domestic league by a healthy six point margin. How do you sack a manager when that’s the situation? Could this be Dinamo trying to divert attention from other potential issues?

The ruling...
Our hypothesis? This is not a grand conspiracy. We suggest one or two Dinamo players, working with a betting syndicate, combined to ensure Lyon got the goals they needed. At the end of the day, the whole thing is pretty easy to solve. Simply find the suspicious betting patterns, and follow them until you get to the root. That, and let an authority figure know if you see Domagoj Vida driving around in a new Bugatti Veyron.


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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Valentine’s Day - Red Sox set to unleash Bobby Valentine 2.0 on MLB

Bobby Valentine
Bobby Valentine is set to become the 45th manager in Red Sox history sometime around midday local time in Boston today. Valentine is on his way back from Japan where sources are saying he was offered the job. All that remains now is the goofy opening press conference with Valentine sporting that classy old Boston cap.

This column is going to come right out and say it, we like the move. Valentine is a long term, old school baseball guy. He gets the game and sees things other don’t. He has experienced almost everything in the game. He got to the big leagues briefly at age 19 in 1969 and then returned two years later. He played in the big leagues for 10 years total, spread out across five teams. He was the No. 1 pick of the Dodgers in 1968, taken ahead of none other than Bill Buckner (nice symmetry there!).

Two things stand out really, above and beyond the clichéd ‘he will bring discipline’ angle being regurgitated incessantly around the major sporting online outlets today.

First off, he brings a tremendous amount of colour and character to the Manager’s office. You can envision Valentine garnering more than his share of headlines, and one thing that will do is deflect attention away from his players. This will be a welcome distraction after a carpet bombing of paparazzi treatment this batch of Red Sox players may never forget (things figure to be pretty icy between certain reports and the players they covered with gleeful Schadenfreude during the great September swoon).

Secondly, we think we all need to ensure everyone knows about this, what is really undoubtedly one of the funniest moments in MLB history

In June 9, 1999 during the 12th inning of a 14 inning marathon with the Toronto Blue Jays, Mike Piazza was called for catcher's interference on Craig Grebeck. Valentine was ejected by home plate umpire Randy Marsh for arguing the call, and, well, then this happened.



Assuming MLB eventually take that video above down, Valentine unbelievably returned to the dugout an inning later in a disguise Ron Burgundy would be proud of. One of the funniest baseball moments ever. Sadly MLB didn’t get the joke and fined Valentine $5,000 and suspended him for three games.

Hey, how is this guy not going to fit in to the Cirque De Red Sox?!


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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The NFL cares, FIFA doesn’t: Rex Ryan facing hefty fine while FIFA basically ignores rampant racism in its sport


Interesting incidents across two diverse sports this week. In the NFL, noted fat-mouth Rex Ryan verbally abused a fan at a game with a torrent of expletives that would have made Chuck Norris blush. Meanwhile, FIFA basically slapped the Bulgarian football federations hands after their fans were found guilty of racially abusing several English players during September's Euro 2012 qualifier in Sofia.

Really fascinating to see how the two sports have handled their issues. One, professionally and sternly, the other, well, basically they haven’t handled it at all. No prizes for guessing which is which.

The NFL is going to announce the actual fine today however Sexy Rexy is expected to be going to be $100,000 lighter in his wallet region after they are done with him. This is after he used ‘profane language’ in a split second reaction to a fan at last Sunday night's game against the New England Patriots. This comes hot on the heels after the Jets fined Ryan when he made an obscene gesture to fans at a mixed martial arts event in Miami during Super Bowl week in 2010 ($50,000 that time).

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So, let’s get this totally straight in our heads before we move on to the wonderful world of FIFA. The New York Jets head coach is going to be $150,000 worse off by the end of this week for two relatively minor incidents. The message? The NFL and its franchises will not tolerate any kind of tarnish to their glossy coats.

Now, on to FIFA.

During the afore mentioned match, Bulgarian ‘fans’ showered English players with racist chants, targeting England’s black players with bananas, monkey chants and also, somewhat bizarrely, the Nazi salute (is Hitler big in Bulgaria?!).

You stay classy, Bulgaria!

Imagine for a second that happening during the Chiefs v Patriots encounter tonight in New England. Just imagine for one second a section of Kansas fans showering a player or players on the Patriots sidelines with racist chants, bananas and the Nazi salute. I mean, can you imagine the reaction? There is no doubt in my mind the ramifications would be enormous. They are pepper spraying and ‘tazing’ peaceful protesters in the streets, so one would imagine the riot police would have a field day in this imaginary incidence.

Back to FIFA. With the above in mind, FIFA’s reaction to the disgusting behaviour of those Bulgarian fans? They fined the Bulgarian Football Union £34,250.

I suppose you have to pick your jaw up off the floor and remember, this is the same organization that basically ignored the incredible riot performed by Serbian fans earlier this year. This is the organization whose head (The second most corrupt man in the world, Sepp Blatter, losing out narrowly to Vladimir ‘The money was just resting in my account’ Putin) thinks racism on the pitch is not an issue and can be settled with a handshake.

FIFA is absolutely littered with situations where issues stinking of racism have been basically kicked under the carpet. In 2004 the former Spanish international team manager, the despicable Luis Aragonés, called Thierry Henry a ‘’black shit’’. FIFA fined him £2,060. In 2004 FIFA fined Spain (Yes, Spain, again) £44,750 after Spanish fans racially abused English players during a game in Madrid. In 2007 the Serbian Football Federation was fined £16,500 by Uefa (FIFA’s European arm) for "the racist chanting of supporters and the improper conduct of their players" during an under-21 match against England. In 2008 Croatia were fined £10,000 for "displaying a racist banner and showing racist conduct" during their country's Euro 2008 quarter-final against Turkey. In 2008 FIFA again docked Croatia some cash, this time £15,000 after England's Emile Heskey was subjected to racial abuse by home fans during the 4-1 victory in a qualifier for the 2010 World Cup against Croatia in Zagreb.

Add those fines up, all leveled against serious instances of racial abuse (far worse in this columns book than an expletive or two) and you get £88,310. That equates to $136,000.

You can probably see where we are going with this.

Seven long years of horrific racially charged incidents have led FIFA to fine the protagonists $136,000. Two quick outbursts of profanity from Rex Ryan and the NFL has fined him $150,000.

I guess we can see which sport is professional, stern, and determined to do things the right way. And which sport is presided over by FIFA.

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Monday, November 14, 2011

About last night: Thoughts on Patriots 37 Jets 16


Has Rex Ryan released any bombastic announcements as yet today? His Jets still going to win the Superbowl? (Is there a greater boy-who-cried-wolf in NFL history, ‘’We’re going to win the Superbowl!’’ – sure Rex, sure)

Some aspects of last night’s encounter between the Patriots and the Jets in the Meadowlands stood out.

Act like you have been here before
Commentator Chris Collinsworth made a very revealing comment about his view from the training grounds of both squads. Having visited both mid week, Chris noted that the Jets were running very up-tempo practices. There was a lot of high energy chest-thumping and a lot of focus on the Patriots. He noted on the flip side that at the Patriots training sessions, you couldn’t tell if they had won or lost the week before. It was just business as usual.

Communication is the name of the game
Did you see how active and communicative the Patriots ‘D’ was? Vince Wilfork was extremely vocal and led by example, as always. It seemed like everyone knew exactly where they had to be. A backfield of relatively no-name players played fantastic coverage all night, a direct result of super communication between team-mates.



Bully me? I’ll bully you!
The Jets love to ‘throw shapes’, they love their swagger, trash talking and posturing. More often than not, when push comes to shove, they melt into air. In the third quarter Brady misfired on a short ‘out’ to Aaron Hernandez. The Jets DB on the play (Wilson?) took a cheap shot at the big New England TE, right in front of the side judge. The reason no flag was thrown was that the Jets DB bounced right back off Hernandez, the latter turning to him, and shouting niceties at him, as the Jets DB quickly cowered back to his mates. The Patriots were bigger, meaner and stronger on the night, they just didn’t shout about it as much.

Brady the party planner
Brady was at his organizational best last night, constantly tweaking his troops into position to make the right plays. His fourth quarter no-huddle work was nothing short of sensational, however all night long he was constantly managing the game, motioning WRs into position, shouting out coverages to his offensive line. Brady must have been absolutely exhausted both mentally and physically after this one.

Lay off Sanchez
Say what you want about Jets QB Mark Sanchez, and no doubt plenty of people will, he did not come up with that decrepit game plan. The Jets are not a passing team. They know it, we know it, everybody knows it. However, they almost completely gave up on the run last night, slinging the ball around like a college spread offence. They did not look themselves. Blame Mark Sanchez if you like, however I point the finger at the Jets coaching staff, once more over-thinking themselves out of a big game.

Game changers
The game hinged on two key fumbles. One that didn’t happen and one that did. How often do you see a QB go up against several defensive linemen and come out with the ball (and, physically intact)? The mis-snap between center and Brady early in the game at the Patriots line could have been devastating. Brady dove down and amazingly came out of the pile with the rock. Absolutely unbelievable play. Then, with the game completely balanced and at a point where it could have gone either way, the Patriots special teams came up with that massive fumble recovery off a Patriots punt. From that point on it was all Patriots.




Act like you have been here before II
Patriots defensive lineman Andre Carter was nothing short of sensational last night, with four thunderous solo sacks. Fascinatingly, on the last two, with the Jets driving and desperately trying to claw back into the game, Carter sacked Sanchez, stood up, and jogged back into position. Ray Lewis would still be celebrating those final two sacks. Carter led by example and put his team ahead of personal celebration. I wonder did the Jets learn anything from that?




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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Penn State affair: Massive failure all round, while ESPN still throws bouquets at Paterno


I am sorry, but let's just come out and ask it, why are the biggest sporting websites still talking about Joe Paterno in terms of adoration? Weeks after the allegations have sprung that Paterno and others turned a blind eye to a Penn State coach abusing young boys, hours after calls for Peterno's head started, ESPN amongst others are publishing soft-focus, slush pieces on the Penn State head-coach. Check out this rubbish from ESPN. You can almost hear the PGA Tour soft-core porn music humming in the background as you read the below.

''The love was evident as several hundred students crowded around Paterno's house - The 84-year-old coach looked happier than any senior citizen ever to have kids trample his lawn. He exited the passenger side of a white university van to thank the students in his driveway. A few minutes after that, he opened his front window to say a few more words as the crowd surged forward to hear him. And just when everybody was about to disperse some 30 minutes later, a grinning Paterno walked out the front door to address the students one more time.''

What? Seriously? Are we talking about the same guy here? Is this grinning, lovable old man the same guy who was Jerry Sandusky's boss in 1998 when that year, the Penn State police department conducted investigations of allegations that Sandusky had hugged, rubbed against and inappropriately touched two 11-year-old boys while they were naked with him in the Penn State locker room? During same investigations, and with police listening in, the mother of one of the boys called Sandusky to confront him. According to the grand jury report, Sandusky told her:

“I understand. I was wrong. I wish I could get forgiveness. I know I won’t get it from you. I wish I were dead.”

For whatever bizarre reason he got away with it, but that moment was Paterno's chance to get a clearly deranged man out of dealing with his kids. His kids. How does Paterno let this evil creature stay employed after that?

Back to the ESPN sludge from above, is that fuzzy piece of nostalgic vomit talking about the same Paterno that in 2002 completely ignored strong evidence that a young boy was raped by this evil scum-bag Sandusky in the locker room?

Just checking, you know, if we are all talking about the same Paterno that ESPN is still jamming a halo over.

These people at the high ranks of College and High School Football have a simple remit. Take care of young adults and children. Look after their safety, educate them and take care of their well being. Nothing else matters. Money doesn't matter, BCS ranking do not matter, Boosters do not matter, recruiting profile does not matter, absolutely nothing else matters. Or nothing else should matter.

Everyone involved in the NCAA Football program at Penn State should step down immediately, including the lovable' Joe Paterno, for they have failed at the most simple of tasks. Look after the kids.

The moment they decided they had 'done enough' back in 1998, they failed at their simple job. This was then exacerbated in 2002, when they yet again turned a blind eye and failed epically at their essential yet simple remit. It is worrying that Paterno hasn't already stepped aside. There is little doubt that evidence shows he is a decent, philanthropic and intelligent man. However, his later years will no doubt be wracked with the guilt of realising his gut wrenching mistake in not blowing this disgusting scandal up the moment he got wind of it.

The fact of the matter is, he will only have himself to blame. The split second he got a whiff of this, he should have blown the whole thing up.

Tough material to take to the grave, and plenty of questions remain.


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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sporting superstar fragrances - David Beckham, LeBron and Ronaldo scents shoved down our throats

David Beckham
There is just something beautifully idiotic about the David Beckham ‘fragrance’ being rammed down our throats and up our nostrils on this gaudy home stretch to the Christmas spending season.

There is a marvelous Zoolanderesque quality to the advertising material delivered to us via different mediums. You could imagine Beckham gazing into the camera with that clumsy handsomeness of his, whispering ‘Beckham, it smells good. Like myself. Because I use it’.


Of course, Beckham isn’t the only sporting superstar to bring out his own fragrance. Let us not forget the following stars and their essence! All perfect stocking fillers.

‘$’ by LeBron

An unexpected delight! ‘$’ smells like a rolled up bundle of dollar bills, ya’ll. Subtle and carefully crafted to balance the scent of craving for cash and the sweat dripping off greedy palms. The opening notes include layers of the faint whiff of 10, 50 and 100 dollar bills. Wow, what a treat!

''mMmmm my hands, and my enormous wealth, smell good''

‘Premature’ by Tebow

New on the market, this stylishly presented fragrance comes in a mini statue of Jesus, with the scent emanating from the mouth of the statue when depressed. The smell reminds the user of that damp, stale odor of church seats, sore knees, remorse and guilt. Best worn too soon.

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Did they leave out the ''...in 2013'' bit?

‘Wookie’ by Hope Solo

A dry Sandalwood Spice blend. This sultry and rich complex fragrance opens with a heady and exotic profusion of the Forest Moons of Endor. Unique packaging with several refill bottles in a bandolier style worn over the shoulder across the body. For women who wear size 12 shoes worldwide.

‘Greasy’ by Ronaldo

‘Greasy’ is a very unique fragrance. Provocative, sensual, and very pleasing to both men and women. Often more so to men. ‘Greasy’ has a musk, sandalwood, and amber type fragrance that is very well balanced ,it somewhat reminds you of the classic men's type cologne from Royal Copenhagen. Or the men’s toilet in the back of The George after a long Friday night’s ‘partying’. ‘Greasy’ is confused, sexual and spunky!

‘Sexy!’ by Kobe

Oh, yes, this is it! A custom blend, it’s one of the sexiest fragrances on the market. Bottom notes of White Carnation and blood orange are the perfect foil for the heart notes, comprised of a sneering, aggressive and angry scents, with just a touch of pay-off. Doubles as a powerful mace alternative.

‘Swing and a miss’ by A-Rod
A unique fragrance in that it is actually inserted into the body, secreting its odor out after insertion. The beginners pack comes with its own needle and directions how to find the meaty part of your ass. A musty scent, guaranteed to go completely stale when your heart beat increases. Wearing ‘Swing and a miss’ describes you as a man who does very little when it matters most.


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Monday, October 24, 2011

Beer me - MLB announce they are going to look into Red Sox club-house drinking


Well thank God for that. MLB has finally announced an official investigation into the dramatic revelations that certain Boston Red Sox players were drinking actual alcohol in the clubhouse during the 2011 season. Thank goodness, we can all sleep just that tiny bit better at night. Put down the hot-line to the president, call off the dogs, MLB has this all under control.

Joe Torre, beefy, dreamy head of the little known, semi secret MLB office of International Intrigue, Espionage and Dramatic Story-Lines had this to say on the subject:

“It’s something we’re concerned about, just to make sure that we get all the facts and that’s my area, I know I have plans just to talk to some people.’’
So Joe Torre’s ‘area’ is to get all the facts on grown men drinking alcoholic beverages in a closed clubhouse in the late innings of games they aren’t playing in? One can only hope that Torre is amply supplied with assistants, business jets, iPads, Blackberries and other gadgets, as he fights the good fight, keeping us safe from drinking adults. We can only assume it is a tough task, you can picture Torre sitting in his war-room/bat-cave, hunkered down over multiple screens reviewing thousands upon thousands of hours of footage of Red Sox games, trying to catch a glimpse of a Red Sox pitcher, sitting on the bench with their hood up vagrant style, sipping from a bottle of Peach Schnapps wrapped in a paper bag.



Imagine the moment of pure professional joy, nay, release, as Torre finds that one glimpse, that one frame where Beckett or whoever gets caught sitting there in the dugout, huddled behind the hulking frame of John lackey, drinking from a bottle of whatever alcohol took his fancy that day. Torre would no doubt reach for the red phone to his left, a hot-line, if you will, and while never taking his eyes from the dramatic evidence on screen, whisper Batman like into the phone, ‘We’ve got them!’ or some other glib, momentary, asinine George Bush like catch phrase.

Torre goes on to enlighten us that:

“If we do happen to bar alcohol from the clubhouses, you have to understand the intent of this thing and what it looks like,’’
Naturally Torre is spot on. We all have to understand this thing, this, phenomenon. The fat guy in the sleeveless Metallica t-shirt sitting at a Marlins game, drunk off his head on fifteen cups of Coors Lite really, really cares, from a special place deep down inside his heart, whether Clay Bucholz or Jon Lester had a quiet beer in the Red Sox clubhouse way back whenever.



The overlord man at the helm that Torre reports into, Bud Selig, is also following this as close as white on rice.
“You never like to hear that. I’m very image-conscious about the sport and that’s a great, proud franchise. I’m sorry for those stories because they’re not helpful. But I also have great confidence that the Red Sox will get this cleaned up quickly.’’

No word so from Das Fuhrer as to whether the other eleven teams that allow alcohol in the clubhouse will be cleaning up their act too. Perhaps that will come in a future communiqué

The Boston Globe ran a fancy little picture a few weeks ago of the clubs that allow drinking in the clubhouse and those that, you know, don't. Let's re-post it as an aid to Bud Selig in his crusade to eliminate alcohol from ballparks, well, not from ballparks, but from non paying customers in ballparks.

Everyone else can continue to get sloshed to their hearts content





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