Bookies release odds on Johnny Manziel staying at Texas A&M

All the talk on the Texas A&M campus right now is around whether Quarterback Johnny Manziel will stay for another year at the collegiate level, or if he will take his talents to the NFL instead. We talked to one of the bookmakers who has set odds on this very question.

Johnny Manziel

Texas A&M Quarterback Johnny Manziel led his team to one last big win last night, hammering Duke 52-48, and as soon as the game ended the questions started, will Manziel stay at the college level next season or will he join the ranks of the NFL?

The speculation is voluminous, to say the least. From Twitter threads to the sports pages, to Texas A&M forums filled with sad fans trying to convince each other he's staying, like passengers on the Titanic convincing each other the ship isn't going down.

To cut through the noise and get closer to a logical answer to the question, we approached a well known bookmaker to ask him, what are the odds of Johnny Manziel staying in school next season?

Viktor Jerkoffavitch of Back Alley Sports Betting had this to say;

''We took a number of things into consideration while setting these odds. After lengthy analysis it was clear to us that money, fame and, well, money, are probably more important to Manziel than anything else. So with that in mind we are offering 2,500/1 that Manziel will stay at Texas A&M.''

Manziel. Money.

''Of course there is also the fact that, you know, he hates being there, too.''

What these odds of 2,500/1 means is that it is rather unlikely that Mr Manziel will be staying in college for another year. Essentially there is, as they say, a snowball's chance in hell.

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Peyton Manning unveils new hot tub safety helmet

With millions of Americans retreating indoors from the cold to their hot tubs, the issue of hot tub safety is obviously a massive concern right now. Thankfully, one of the most safety aware professional athletes in the United States is on the case. 

Peyton Manning

When Steve Funkensloppen  of The American Hot Tub Safety Association (AHTSA) started his search for a Hot Tub safety awareness endorsement candidate, he wrote one name down on a piece of paper and brought it to his superiors. That name? Peyton Manning. Funkensloppen knew from the moment he was tasked with finding a suitable safety awareness star that Manning was his man.

Funkensloppen has always been a Denver Broncos fan and he was elated when Manning was brought on board to push the Broncos to the next level. Watching the veteran QB give classic displays of how not to get hit as a QB, Funkensloppen  put one and one together and knew he had his Hot Tub safety awareness superstar.

"Have you ever watched Manning drop like a dead animal every time an opposition linebacker gets within five yards of him? That’s veteran awareness, that’s veteran safety awareness right there," an excited Funkensloppen told us in an exclusive interview. "His entire career, Manning has dropped, safely, to the ground, avoiding sacks and showing kids all over America how to put safety ahead of you know, toughness and winning, and stuff like that."

Manning was delighted to be approached by Funkensloppen and together with the AHTSA they have come up with a number of Hot Tub safety tools, for example the NFL team branded Hot Tub safety helmet in the above picture. Manning can be seen in the same picture watching his favorite cartoons on a modified, water-proofed iPad with smooth, protected edges so veteran QBs won’t cut themselves while playing in the Hot Tub.

Unfortunately the great man himself, Peyton Manning, could not be reached for comment, as he was preparing for the San Diego game on site shooting a Papa John’s Pizza commercial.

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Alabama to change their mantra ‘Roll Tide’ to ‘Part, Tide’.

After a dramatic weekend of College Football action, Alabama have decided to change their historic old mantra from 'Roll Tide' to a more apt, modern version. 

Alabama may have lost their unbeaten season, and possibly a shot at the BCS title game, however it is not all bad news for 'Bama fans. After the dramatic, final second loss to rival Auburn in the Iron Bowl game last Saturday, the Alabama powers that be have decided a fresh, updated mantra is required for the school to modernize itself.

Art Buckawinski, a school administrator, talks us through the change.

''Well, as you know, the Alabama special teams parted like the Red Sea to allow Auburn to score that missed field goal return, so we thought, heck, why not update the old mantra and bring in something new, fancy and, I guess, sexy. Well, a few of us were sitting around with a few school boosters and we thought, what about 'Part, Tide'. Seems like the right thing to do''.

There you have it.

Goodbye 'Roll Tide', hello 'Part, Tide'.

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Guinness Book Of Records confirms: Seattle Seahawks have easily the most annoying fans

While attending the Monday Night Football game between the Seattle Seahawks and the New Orleans Saints, to check if the home town team could break a fan-noise record, the Guinness Book Of Records staff chanced upon another amazing discovery.

Seattle fan: Awful.

The elite Guinness Book Of Records ‘fact checking team’ was in the house last night to catch Monday Night Football and New Orleans at Seattle. They were there with bundles of highly tuned, expensive audio testing equipment to measure the home crowd noise and see if the Seahawks fans could break the World Record, and indeed a few ear drums, for crowd noise during a game.

Seattle fans: Really annoying

While testing the audio levels one of the highly trained fact checkers stumbled upon an astonishing discovery.

The Seattle Seahawks have, easily, the most annoying fans in all of professional sports.

The Guinness Book employee, Gunther Fartgarten, breathlessly takes the story up;  ‘Yes, I was checking my audio equipment when I looked up at the stands, and it kind of just came to me. I thought to myself ‘My God, these fans are really annoying’ at which point I grabbed a copy of the book of records and thumbed through it. Previously the most annoying fans in the World were St Louis Cardinals fans, but clearly everyone feels kind of sorry for them now, so Seattle fans are obviously in pole position now’.

The Guinness Book uses a complicated algorithm to calculate Crowd Annoyance Levels (CAL) and they maintain a level of secrecy around this, although Mr Fartgarten did say; ''I mean, did you see that one guy dressed as the Hulk? How annoying was that? That was worth 2 CAL points right there. Did he think it was still Halloween? Idiot.''

Seattle fans: Hulk smash.

Sadly Seattle's noisy fans have failed to break the World Record for noise levels during a game. Of course they can be content in the fact they have taken another title, that of The Single Most Annoying Fans In The World.

Seattle: Grammatically challenged.

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Panthers unveil dominant new defensive play to win against the New England Patriots

Monday Night Football did not disappoint, with a thrilling encounter between the host Carolina Panthers and the visiting New England Patriots. The titanic matchup will go down as a classic and even has its own signature play attached, a little something the Panthers worked on before the big showdown. Sometimes, practice makes perfect

Luke Kuechly wraps Gronkowski up

They had been practicing it all week. When the time came, the Carolina Panthers' young star linebacker Luke Kuechly knew exactly what to do. With the game on the line and future Hall of Fame Quarterback Tom Brady knocking on the door, the Panthers resorted to a new play recently added to their defensive playbook. Kuechly says that after a tough week of training, he was allowed by Panther coaches to name the play and decided upon 'Center bear hug tight.'

Defensive holding? Of course not!

The Patriots last minute drive was in danger of ruining the night for the hosts, and jostling the NFL’s desired narrative of the home team coming good at the end, when in stepped Kuechly. His perfect execution of ’Center bear hug tight,’ – grabbing on to Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski and holding him in, well, a bear-hug, while the ball was in the air – saved the day for the home side.

Brady's pass was picked off for an interception as Gronkowski watched helpless, unable to intervene as  Kuechly executed a perfect bear-hug on him.

Panthers coach Ron Rivera was positively glowing about Kuechly after the game;  ‘That kid works so hard, we just love him to death, we asked him to do a job, and you could all see that bear-hug, there’s no way Gronk was catching that ball, that’s all we ask of Kuechly right there’.

When asked what the Panthers had planned if the referees threw a flag, Kuechly said 'That’s okay, we knew they would pick it right back up.'

Luke Kuechly getting the job done

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Rays manager Joe Maddon uses big word, confuses reporters.

The Tampa Bay Rays may have been dumped out of the MLB playoffs last night by the Boston Red Sox, however not before their stupefyingly intelligent and ruggedly handsome manager, Joe Maddon, made 9 pitching changes and confused reporters after the game with a gigantic word.

Joe Maddon makes one of 9 pitching changes on the night.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays' playoff run came to a jarring halt last night, as they were dumped out of the playoffs by the Boston Red Sox. Their 1-3 defeat was of course entirely the fault of the playing staff and absolutely nothing to do with Super Genius Manager Joe Maddon. The latter pulled out all the stops in trying to lift his over-matched team past the financially superior Red Stockings.

There is literally nothing Joe 'Genius' Maddon could have done above and beyond the incredible measures he went to in trying to force a game 5 in the playoff series. Maddon turned what should have been a 3 hour game into a 5 hour marathon with an incredible 9 pitching changes. He did this because he knows better than you. He also made other shift, lineup and defensive positioning changes that we would get into but they would be too hard to explain, because, as we know, Joe Maddon is a genius.

You could try to understand the moves he makes, however, you just wouldn't be able to comprehend the sheer depth of his thinking.

It is not only the common fan that is left feeling like an idiot in the enormous wake of Joe Maddon's giant intellect.

After the game last night Maddon held court, eulogising at length about the variety of great, nay, brilliant moves he made in an attempt to win the game. During the course of the questions from the assorted press, Maddon said;

''But the way it was going in the beginning there, you could see it was not going to work. We had to do something a little bit differently. Then we became a little bit more extemporaneous at that point.''

A low, awed gasp went up among the assembled scribes, as they looked at each other, many with mouths agape. 

Maddon noticed the reaction and sat back in his chair, waving his hand regally, he sighed, 'do you need me to explain that word?' to which a couple of the press confirmed in the affirmative.

Maddon explained slowly that extemporaneousis means something that is made up or done without special preparation. ''You people might describe it as, say, 'ad-libbed', in lay mans terms''

Joe Maddon ladies and gents.

Manager.

Teacher of minds.

Genius.

Genius at work

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Tampa Bay Rays announce measures to improve attendance

The Tampa Bay Rays will finish dead last in attendance figures in Major League Baseball yet again this season. Rays owner Stuart Sternberg has announced dramatic measures that he hopes will change the teams horrific attendance figures around next year.

Yet another pathetic crowd at a Rays game

Despite making the playoff, The Tampa Bay Rays are dead last in MLB attendance figures yet again, having drawn an average of 18,646 fans per game. Every single other MLB team, even Houston and Miami, drew better than the Rays. Their inability to 'draw' has become an institutional failure of a magnitude previously only seen in comedic sports movies.

In an effort to counter this, Rays owner Stuart Sternberg is introducing sweeping measures he hopes will invigorate the Rays fan-base, and get the turnstiles clicking.

We're delighted to bring you an exclusive first-look at those same measures.

• First and foremost, all games will start at 4:30 pm. The hope is that this will 'speak-to' the timeframes that suit the Rays fan-base the most.
• Next season all Rays tickets are now going to be advertised as being 20% off.
• Further to the above point, all Rays games will all be advertised as 'The early bird Rays special'
• Ethnic food concession stands will be replaced with Country Kitchen Buffet throughout the stadium
• Each game ticket will also have a coupon attached for 'half off' a hot chocolate at the next game
• The 7th inning stretch will be replaced with the 7th inning 'quiet time'. Fans will be encouraged to close their eyes and nap for a short period, before the start of the next inning.
• Finally, the team will also formally change their name from the 'Tampa Rays' to the 'Tampa Red Yankees Sox'.

Rays baseball - get pumped!

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Is Washington's NFL team's nickname racist? A handy guide

Worried about your answer to the topical question as to whether the Washington NFL team's nickname and logo are racist or not? Can't find the time to figure it out for yourself? Our handy guide can help you come up with an answer in seconds!

It's hard to find time to progress even the most simple of tasks in this crazy, Internet fuelled, whirlwind World we live in today. More often than not, the more philosophical of tasks often fall by the wayside, a victim of time management issues and the importance of updating your Facebook page.

One of the questions which many of us just don't have time to 'get into' orbits around the Washington NFL team, and if you think their nickname and logo are racist, or not.

We're here to provide you with a simple questionnaire which will tell you what you should respond with on this topical question, if anyone asks you about it.

Breeze through these few questions and answer Yes or No to each, and then consult our handy chart at the bottom to find out which category you fit into! 

Q1. Do you think that this picture could be described as racist? Yes or No.

 

Q2. Do you see a problem in a professional team using a stereotype as it's nickname/logo in general? Yes or No.

Q3. Can you see any potential irony at all in this picture? Yes or No.

 Q4. Would you be in theory against a team from, for example, South Boston, calling itself the 'Ginger haired potato farmers'? Yes or No.

Q5. Do you agree that this picture might be slightly offensive to some minorities? Yes or No.

Q6. Do you see any issue with this picture from a couple of years ago of the entire Spanish men's basketball team making 'slanty eyes' to the camera? Yes or No.

Q7. Would you be against a team from San Francisco 'celebrating' it's Asian populace and culture by using the below as their new logo. Yes or No.

Q8: Can you see how the below logo for a New York sports team might be offensive to some parties? Yes or No.

Q9. Finally, do you see any problem at all with the below proposed logo for the Washington team? Yes or No. 

Answer

If you answered mostly 'Yes' to the above questions: You are offended, like all normal people, by racial stereotyping. You should answer 'Yes' when asked if you think the Washington NFL team's nickname and logo are racist.

If you answered 50/50 Yes and No to the above questions: You are officially on the fence, and should basically change the topic if anyone asks you if you think the Washington NFL team's nickname and logo are racist.

If you answered 'No' primarily to the above questions: Congratulations! You are a steaming, flaming pile of racism! No doubt you and Chipper Jones are best buddies, and we are probably distracting you from the latest Paula Deen cook book as we speak. Go forth and conquer, and don't worry about education, decency, dignity, compassion or understanding of other people or races or anything like that. Leave that up to those lefty, cry baby, hippy liberals!

Right - A primarily 'No' voter

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New England Patriots lose Tom Brady to disabled list with 'Lost mind'.

The Patriots just about handle the Jets at wet and windy Gillette Stadium, but lose their MVP level quarterback for a potentially long period to a broken brain related injury. 

Tom Brady - lost his mind

Last night the New England Patriots may have won a battle however they also may have lost the war. In brutal weather conditions the Patriots handled the Jets 13-10 to go 2-0 on the fledgling NFL season but in doing so may have lost their future Hall Of Fame quarterback to injury.

Brady was not seen to be in any trouble leaving the field, however early post-game reports indicate Brady is already listed as doubtful for the Sunday 22nd game against Tampa.

Brady is on the injury report as; Doubtful: Lost his mind. 

Sources indicate the injury may have occurred during any one of the number of drops of Brady passes by his terrified rookie wide receivers.

Dr. Alfonso Marquez, a leading expert in lost minds with a masters from the Cancun University of Good Medicine, spoke to reporters after the news came out that Brady was on the disabled list.

''Basically if you watch the game tape you can actually see the moment Brady loses his mind, as it were. Sometimes if you are near the person you can hear an audible 'pop' as they actually lose their mind'

Dr. Marquez went on to say that 'although unusual, players often do lose their minds in stressful situations, and they can be very tricky to get back'.

As usual the Patriots are keeping very tight lips about the situation, and Bill Belichick had no comment after the game. In other NFL news, Denver have announced that former Patriot receiver Wes Welker has been downgraded to  'probable' for Sunday's game against the Giants, after pulling a muscle in his backside while laughing at the TV last night.

More updates on that situation to follow.

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Senior US Republican Senator John McCain saps Syrian leaders funding via ‘Operation Full House’

What at first was being reported by the misguided liberal media as a bored old Senator earning $174,000 a year while playing games on his iPhone was in actual fact a glimpse into a highly secret CIA/NSA operation aimed at destabilizing Syrian leader Bashar Hafez al-Assad’s funds.

McCain playing poker while in a Senate hearing

Poker news from the capital. Yesterday the liberal media frothed at the mouth at a picture that emerged of Senior US Republican Senator John McCain seemingly playing a game on his iPhone during a Senate hearing. You could cut the sanctimony with a knife, it hung that heavy in the air. Little did the Knights Of The Keyboard know, they were being afforded a brief glimpse into a deep under cover, heroic operation to sap enemy funding via the poker skills of the would be President.

Today McCain and his team have admitted that what the media have been gushing over was in fact a complicated, brilliant operation called ‘Operation Full House’. Citing national security, McCain says he is not at liberty to divulge all the information, suffice to say McCain was actually playing against Syrian leader Bashar Hafez al-Assad, and was, by all accounts, ‘taking him to the bank’.

It is a little known fact that McCain is an established poker player and goes by the pseudonym  ‘Dallas McCain’ while working the tables in Vegas. McCain may or may not have honed his card playing skills while in captivity in Vietnam. This fact had been guarded carefully until now in the interests of national security.

The Republican Senator’s admittance to CNN that “Occasionally I get a little bored,” was actually a coded message to an operative to download the funds from Senator McCain’s Poker account to a holding bank in the Cayman Islands.

The former presidential candidate was the ideal candidate for this operation, not just because of his poker playing skills, but also under the assumption that Assad would never suspect a Republican candidate would try anything tricky of this nature.

McCain - Poker playing hero

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Breaking news: Alfonso Soriano traded to New York in return for a 6 x 4 of Kate Upton in a Yankees cap

Yankees manage to trade for prized slugger in return for a glossy picture of the New York fan, Kate Upton. 

The Kate Upton picture sent by the Yankees to the Cubs in return for Soriano

The New York Yankees and the Chicago Cubs have agreed on a trade where slugger Alfonso Soriano is heading to the team from The Big Apple while in return the team from The Windy City is receiving a framed 6x4 picture of model Kate Upton, wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap.

The picture of Upton is just the feature part of the deal. The Yankees will also receive Soriano, $17 million towards his $24 million 2014 salary and a lower-tier pitching prospect from the Cubs. Chicago will receive the glossy picture of Ms Upton, a $50 voucher for Bubba Gump’s Shrimp House in Time Square, two upper deck, restricted view tickets to a Yankees v Astros game on a Tuesday night next season and a day pass to the New York Museum of Mathematics.

MLB experts are suggesting the Cubs have come out slightly better in the trade, despite Soriano’s 17 HRs and 52 RBIs in 2013 thus far.

Chicago Cubs general manager Theo Epstein said; ‘’I just feel like we’ve got the best we could out of this deal with the Yankees. Have you seen the picture? It’s really nice, and they even laminated it for us, which I thought was pretty classy.’’

Some Cubs fans were a little upset that Chicago didn’t get more for the trade. Joe Punter, a Chicago resident, said ‘’I just feel like we coulda pressed the Yankees for a bit more, like maybe a picture of her in her bikini? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great pic, I’m just saying.’

Could the Cubs have got more from the deal?

Of course some clubs are exasperated at what they perceive to be the New York Yankees continued ability to collect quality players off of other teams in return for scrap, or, in this case, a picture of Kate Upton in a baseball cap. The Boston Redsox GM Ben Cherrington has come out strongly against the trade, suggesting that the Cubs should have held out for more.

Cherrington said ‘’This situation is absolutely ridiculous, a Major League slugger with those kind of impact stats traded for a picture of Kate Upton? The league obviously doesn’t care that the Yankees basically get what they want for nothing. You can’t tell me that Theo (Epstein) shouldn’t have held out for a signed bikini, or something creative, like a date with Kate, or something?’’

Reached for comment, MLB commissioner Bud Selig would only say; ‘’I just don’t think we need to look into this, I mean, have you seen the picture?’’

Alfonso Soriano or something, whatever.

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Toronto Blue Jays relegated to the minor leagues

Major League Baseball kick starts new ‘relegation’ system between Major and Minor league baseball, using Toronto as it’s guinea pig

Blue Jays having fun in outfield

 Buried in last place in the ultra-competitive AL East, almost 10 games under .500 and fresh off yet another embarrassing loss to the Dodgers, the Toronto Blue Jays have been hit with fresh humiliation, as Major League Baseball has decided to relegate them to AAA Minor League Baseball.

The Blue Jays were once again humiliated by the Dodgers last night, this time blowing a big lead late in the game to sink 14.5 games behind in the race for the AL East. The Blue Jays spent millions of dollars in the offseason and were expected to challenge not only for the American League but also for the World Series. Instead they will spend next season battling young baseball players in the Minor Leagues.

MLB has announced the Blue Jays will be allowed finish the season in the Majors but will start next season in the Minor Leagues.

Bud Selig told reporters ‘We just felt like now was the perfect time to bring in this format, with the changes to the BCS playoff system coming soon and with the NFL possibly going to 18 games, we wanted to keep things fresh and interesting’ He went on to add ‘Plus, have you seen them (Toronto) play lately? They are awful!’

The Blue Jays held a closed, players only meeting before last night’s game and the word is the players are unhappy at the prospect of taking buses and playing in front of tiny crowds in small stadiums in the Minors.  Pitcher R.A. Dickey is reportedly writing a book about the decision.

Manager John Gibbons could not be reached for comment, although he was seen sitting in the dugout surfing Monster.com on his iPad.

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Wrestling fans react in horror at news WWE fights are scripted in advance

Wrestling fans all over the United States are reacting in horror at the news that their sport is scripted in advance.

Wrestling: scripting shock

News has broken of a shady Reddit user successfully predicting WWE matches in advance of their start. Wrestling is reeling with the news that on r/SquaredCircle, Reddit's pro wrestling forum, one poster called Dolphins1925 has gone 38 for 38 predicting the outcome of WWE matches, or games, or fights, or whatever they are called. For the recent WrestleMania event, he was 100 % accurate. In addition to the eight matches that aired, Dolphins1925 correctly predicted a dark match that was held before the show, and one that was scheduled but bumped until the following night's Raw.

Dolphin1925 has since come forth and admitted he works in the WWE offices and is in fact a leak. The Edward Snowden of the WWE World if you will.

The news has thrown wrestling fans into a frenzied confusion. The problem doesn’t appear to be that there is ‘a leak’ in the WWE house, the confusion seems to be arising from the fact that WWE is scripted in the first place.

We presented the evidence to a few WWE fans in Birmingham, Alabama.

Dwayne Diggums the third

‘’Wait one second, wait, back up a second, wait, wait, you are saying WWE aint real?’’

Dwayne Diggums the third

Parker Chestnut Junior

You know, nothing is sacred. First they put a Muslim in the White House, and now this, and what next, you gonna (sic) tell me that Nascars only turn left?

Parker Chestnut Junior

Chase Johnson Jackson the second

''I just feel robbed, you know what I'm sayin', robbed, I was a loyal fan and now dey (sic) telling me there ain't no reality? You know what, I knew something was fishy with a few of those fights though, just like I know that Obama was born in Kenya and is a Muslim!''

Chase Johnson Jackson the second

No word as yet what the impact on the WWE fanbase will be as they struggle to figure this one out, however we are hearing there is mass confusion among same as to what a 'Reddit' is, and where they can find one.

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Translating Slim Thug's courting of Dwight Howard

With the news that Dwight Howard has 'chosen' to play for Houston, time to look back and translate some related Tweets from last week, pre 'decision'. 

Dwight Howard

And so it came to pass. Dwight Howard, he of the absolutely enormous ego and yet questionable fortitude, has 'selected' Houston as his landing spot for the next part of his painfully dissected NBA journey.

Since Howard chose Houston over a few other teams, including the Lakers, we have to examine the impetus behind this decision and subsequent change of scenery. One of the potential catalysts to the move was noted Houston area rap artist, 'Slim Thug'. Mr Thug sent Howard a slew of messages on the social networking site Twitter, urging him to come to Houston.

The 'tweets' are all written in the modern vernacular of 'the streets' and thus largely incomprehensible to the average human being.

We approached noted linguist, professor of Modern English, Oxford University, Dr Henry Moorhen Winterbottom the second, to help us understand the tweets in full. Here’s what he came back with in terms of translations.

Please note the language used by Slim Thug might be offensive to some, so if you think this might be you, please go here instead and have a nice day.

Otherwise, let's dive right in.

Yooo @DwightHoward what uppp gone come down to Houston G we got ya u already know Kobe gone act like a girl and blame u all season
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: Here we find Mr Thug asking Mr Howard if he is going to travel to Houston and he attempts to cajole the latter by saying 'we got ya', or, 'We have your back'. Mr Thug then proceeds to imply that noted basketball player Kobe Bryant is going to 'act like a girl' and appropriate blame for poor performances on Mr Howard.
 

We real out here u can buy a big ass crib for cheap ill throw u a few assist on hoes make your next move your best move G @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: This Tweet translates literally to 'Houston is a grounded area in which to live, and you can purchase property cheaper here (than in LA). I can help you meeting the ladies, do ensure your decision is a good one'. 

Have u ever been to @dreamshouston or V-Live @DwightHoward ??? LA ain't got strippers like we do
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: In this Tweet Mr Thug asks Mr Howard if he has been to either of two gentleman's clubs in Houston. Mr Thug then implies that the ladies who dance in those clubs are superior in Houston to those in LA. We are unsure what metrics he is using as the basis for this analysis. 

We both got babymamas @DwightHoward do u know that they only get 20% in Houston it's wayyyy worst in LA
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: The literal translation here is 'Both Houston and LA have serious social issues, however those same issues are statistically worse in LA than in the former'. It would be interesting to note which sociological journal Mr Thug is basing this analysis on. 

A bottle of rosé in a Houston club is $250 max in LA $1000 befo taxes and gratuity @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: 'Inferior alcoholic beverages are cheaper in Houston area clubs than in their LA counterparts. This statement is particularly true when you take into account state taxes and (no translation required finally on this word) indeed in the case of gratuity'. 
 

The galleria mall is a fool kid every store in one spot stay crawling with Bad bitches @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: 'The Mall called the 'Galleria' is an enjoyable place to visit, my fellow, almost all of the stores in one particular part are populated with many aesthetically appealing women with questionable motivees, morals and who are potentially in the possession of a police record'.

And @DwightHoward we got the Texans so not too much pressure on winning a ring this year we got time to grow u kno LA gone hate tho
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: This was a challenging one, Mr Thug appears to be suggesting that because the NFL team 'The Texans' are also in the Houston area, there is not as much pressure on Mr Howard to deliver a title. This statement would appear erroneous on many levels, from the fact that the Texans will not be winning a Superbowl any time soon, to the unusual concession that Mr Howard doesn't need to win a ring. What exactly does Mr Thug want from Mr Howard, as a Rocket? He finishes with the statement 'the people of LA are going to be unhappy with you if you don't win (a ring)' Judging by this, it would appear Mr Thug is suggesting it is okay to fail in Houston. In his defence, it is the home of the Astros.

And u can talk on the phone and text while u drive down here @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: Mr Thug finishes his pitch by suggesting you can break the law in Houston. The authorities would probably have a thing or two to say about this.

Mr Slim Thug

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ESPN's earth shattering report on which side of the bed LeBron gets out on

ESPN has gone to great lengths to report on how Michael Jordan had it all wrong, LeBron James can dribble left, or right, or something. Here's an exclusive sneak peek at their forthcoming follow up report on which side of the bed LeBron likes to get out of in the morning. Let's find out!!

A very ESPN snap of LeBron James

LeBron James thinks Michael Jordan's scouting report on which side of the bed he likes to get of in the morning is wrong. And James keeps proving it. Yes, we at ESPN are supposed to be impartial, but, we frequently write sycophantic sentences like, 'and James keeps proving it'.  ESPN recently asked some guy called Michael Jordan which side of the bed The King, LeBron James gets out of in the morning. Laughably, this guy, this random Joe Punter, Michael Jordan or whatever his name was, said that he thought, and we are snickering just saying this, that LeBron likes to get out of bed on the right hand side of said sleeping device.

Within days of the story coming out, LeBron, simply put, got out of bed on the left hand side of the bed.

Just. Like. That.

The very next day, LeBron did it again, hopping out of bed on the left side, as if he was mocking the guy who made the comment, whoever he was. We can't even remember. Mickey Jordache or something?

The King - LeBron James

Appraised of the guy's comment by a drooling, slathering ESPN reporter, LeBron tilted his crown to one side and let out a Doctor Hibbert like laugh.

"That theory is wrong, I guess," James said of the Jordan report.

According to Synergy Sports, James has got out of bed on the left side 50.5% of the time in 2013.  When he got out on the left, he had toast with his cereal 54% of the time. Among the 52 players who got out of bed over 50% of the time in 2013, James had the best efficiency of getting out of bed in the league. The data shows James really likes getting out of the bed on the left side.

"Frank Walker, my first sleeping coach, taught me how to get out of bed on the left side" James said. "He wouldn't let me get out of bed on the right, until I could get out on the left efficiently. We used to do it before practice every day. He always told me I'd be a much better player if I could get out of bed on the left side"

Tune into ESPN 9 tomorrow at 8 am, where we film LeBron getting out of bed on the left side. We're calling it; 'The Decision Two: Which side of the bed today?'

LeBron James

For Bobby

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