Translating Slim Thug's courting of Dwight Howard

With the news that Dwight Howard has 'chosen' to play for Houston, time to look back and translate some related Tweets from last week, pre 'decision'. 

Dwight Howard

And so it came to pass. Dwight Howard, he of the absolutely enormous ego and yet questionable fortitude, has 'selected' Houston as his landing spot for the next part of his painfully dissected NBA journey.

Since Howard chose Houston over a few other teams, including the Lakers, we have to examine the impetus behind this decision and subsequent change of scenery. One of the potential catalysts to the move was noted Houston area rap artist, 'Slim Thug'. Mr Thug sent Howard a slew of messages on the social networking site Twitter, urging him to come to Houston.

The 'tweets' are all written in the modern vernacular of 'the streets' and thus largely incomprehensible to the average human being.

We approached noted linguist, professor of Modern English, Oxford University, Dr Henry Moorhen Winterbottom the second, to help us understand the tweets in full. Here’s what he came back with in terms of translations.

Please note the language used by Slim Thug might be offensive to some, so if you think this might be you, please go here instead and have a nice day.

Otherwise, let's dive right in.

Yooo @DwightHoward what uppp gone come down to Houston G we got ya u already know Kobe gone act like a girl and blame u all season
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: Here we find Mr Thug asking Mr Howard if he is going to travel to Houston and he attempts to cajole the latter by saying 'we got ya', or, 'We have your back'. Mr Thug then proceeds to imply that noted basketball player Kobe Bryant is going to 'act like a girl' and appropriate blame for poor performances on Mr Howard.
 

We real out here u can buy a big ass crib for cheap ill throw u a few assist on hoes make your next move your best move G @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: This Tweet translates literally to 'Houston is a grounded area in which to live, and you can purchase property cheaper here (than in LA). I can help you meeting the ladies, do ensure your decision is a good one'. 

Have u ever been to @dreamshouston or V-Live @DwightHoward ??? LA ain't got strippers like we do
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: In this Tweet Mr Thug asks Mr Howard if he has been to either of two gentleman's clubs in Houston. Mr Thug then implies that the ladies who dance in those clubs are superior in Houston to those in LA. We are unsure what metrics he is using as the basis for this analysis. 

We both got babymamas @DwightHoward do u know that they only get 20% in Houston it's wayyyy worst in LA
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: The literal translation here is 'Both Houston and LA have serious social issues, however those same issues are statistically worse in LA than in the former'. It would be interesting to note which sociological journal Mr Thug is basing this analysis on. 

A bottle of rosé in a Houston club is $250 max in LA $1000 befo taxes and gratuity @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: 'Inferior alcoholic beverages are cheaper in Houston area clubs than in their LA counterparts. This statement is particularly true when you take into account state taxes and (no translation required finally on this word) indeed in the case of gratuity'. 
 

The galleria mall is a fool kid every store in one spot stay crawling with Bad bitches @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: 'The Mall called the 'Galleria' is an enjoyable place to visit, my fellow, almost all of the stores in one particular part are populated with many aesthetically appealing women with questionable motivees, morals and who are potentially in the possession of a police record'.

And @DwightHoward we got the Texans so not too much pressure on winning a ring this year we got time to grow u kno LA gone hate tho
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: This was a challenging one, Mr Thug appears to be suggesting that because the NFL team 'The Texans' are also in the Houston area, there is not as much pressure on Mr Howard to deliver a title. This statement would appear erroneous on many levels, from the fact that the Texans will not be winning a Superbowl any time soon, to the unusual concession that Mr Howard doesn't need to win a ring. What exactly does Mr Thug want from Mr Howard, as a Rocket? He finishes with the statement 'the people of LA are going to be unhappy with you if you don't win (a ring)' Judging by this, it would appear Mr Thug is suggesting it is okay to fail in Houston. In his defence, it is the home of the Astros.

And u can talk on the phone and text while u drive down here @DwightHoward
— slim thug (@slimthugga) July 1, 2013

 
Dr Winterbottom: Mr Thug finishes his pitch by suggesting you can break the law in Houston. The authorities would probably have a thing or two to say about this.

Mr Slim Thug

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NBA announces games will be broadcast on World Wrestling Entertainment networks for 2013/2014 season

In a bold move the NBA has decided to broadcast all 2013/2014 games on the World Wrestling Entertainment network, adding several other initiatives to the league to smooth a merger with Professional Wrestling. 

LrBron James perfecting his flop

In an initiative seen as a precursor to an inevitable merger with Professional Wrestling, NBA commissioner David Stern today announced that all NBA season and pre-season games will be broadcast solely on the World Wrestling Entertainment networks next season, 2013/2014. Stern said that the move is primarily designed to improve revenues, increase entertainment values, and also to clear away any confusion as to whether the NBA was ‘real’ or ‘fake’.

‘Take last night’s game six, for example’ Stern said, alluding to the last point, clarity around the questions as to whether the NBA was in actual fact, ‘real’, or just staged, like the WWE. ‘Obviously, I mean, people can clearly see that we are trying to create something entertaining, and dramatic, and with Joey Crawford officiating the game, we would have thought it was pretty clear that we wanted the game to have a ‘dramatic conclusion’. Yet, still there are people confused, is it all scripted, or is it real? We just want to clear that up’.

Stern is hoping that with this switch to the WWE network and with an eventual merger with the WWE, people can just sit back and relax and enjoy the games, and not worry about how many steps LeBron takes, how many times Manu Ginobili is fouled on the drive, or just how far back into the stands Danny Green is shoved on his last second attempted 3 pointer.

Stern continued ‘This merger will bring all sorts of advantages, with a new format coming into place shortly, and fans in places like Miami won’t miss a second of the action, as we will obviously ensure that anything important is scripted in to the middle of the show, as opposed to the start or the end. We don’t want scenes like last night where hundreds of loyal Miami fans tragically missed the end of the game, leaving before Ray Allen’s game tying three’

Miami fans stream out of the stadium minutes before their team tie the game

Stern also took the time to outline a few more initiatives that will come with the merger with the WWE

Pre-game rituals will be replaced with one or two of the bigger stars taking a seat in center court pre-game and talking to through a scripted narrative. For example, LeBron and Delonte West might have a heated argument about the latter sleeping with the former’s mother.

The traditional ‘foul’ will be officially eliminated. As Stern said ‘We could all see last night how the fouls not being called on Miami in the last few minutes really sped the game up, and that’s something we are looking to do going forward.’

Players will be allowed to pick up empty side line fold up chairs and whack opponents with them. Again, this was given a trial run last night, as Chris Bosh threw Danny Green into the stands as the game ended.

The playoffs will be eliminated, instead the league will go with Miami against a computer selected opponent, and by computer selected we mean David Stern will decide the Heat’s opponents and type them into an email, on his computer. This will eradicate meaningless first round games, and speed up the process towards the Miami final, and increase fan enjoyment of the product.

Vince McMahon, CEO of the WWE, welcomed the merger, saying that ‘We are delighted to bring such fine entertainers as LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade into the WWE family. These guys really know how to put on a show. LeBron is a born entertainer, and freed from the chains of the NBA rule book he will finally deliver on that promise of multiple championships to his loyal fans.’

LeBron works an opponent

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Fan and media indignation at Celtics coach Doc Rivers is hypocritical

Doc Rivers is looking for another job. Boston fans and sporting media are not happy about it. 

Doc Rivers - ''Calm down, people, calm down!''

It would appear as if the Doc Rivers 'trade' to the LA Clippers, in a package with Kevin Garnett, might be dead in the water. After a painful few days of drawn out negotiations, the Clippers have said they are leaving the table, and not coming back. The Celtics, and Doc Rivers, are left standing there with their pants down a little.

Meanwhile, the Boston sporting media is not amused.that Rivers seems to have been actively flirting with the Clippers. 'Should Doc be allowed back to the Celtics?' one headline cried, as if Rivers was a naughty street urchin, who isn't getting any supper. 'Can Rivers come back to the Celtics?' asked another, while a further headline appealed to the masses 'Do you think Rivers can come back to Boston?' It is safe to say the Boston Celtics fans at large, and the Boston sporting media, are seriously indignant that Rivers should dare talk to another club about working for them, while employed in Boston.

Wait a second.

How on earth is it okay that we are going to judge Rivers on this, and find him guilty?

Are we really suggesting that nobody should be allowed look for a better job, a better situation, a better opportunity, than the one they are in currently?

Are we really saying that none of us have ever looked for another job while currently employed somewhere else? Are we really suggesting that with a straight face and no hint of a snigger?

Another aspect to this is, hasn't Rivers done his job and more, with the Celtics? Hasn't he delivered? They were generally competitive as a ball club for the large part of his tenure. They delivered a glorious NBA title, and were only just short of a couple more. Has Rivers not delivered on his remit?

Or do people in Boston, both fans and media, feel as if they have some sort of bizarre ownership of the man?

One final thought, This whole thing is ugly. Boston fans and media suggesting Rivers is behaving anything other than exactly how all of us, bar none, would act in his position, in a regular job, are not only being stupid and ignorant to common every day facts, they are being incredibly arrogant too.

This happens all the flipping time in sports. Coaches move on, particularly when they are in a position to make their jobs, their salaries and indeed their lives better.

Sure, the deal may be dead. Either way, Boston sports fans and Ye Olde Towne sporting media have made a donkeys backside of themselves yet again.

Rivers is perfectly entitled to pursue a better life. We all are. Suggesting anything less is frankly pretty un-American. You don't hate America, do you?!

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The top 50 highest paid athletes list is a cesspit of wasted money

Sports Illustrated's list of the top 50 highest paid athletes in the United States is full of names that will surprise and or shock you

The immortal Carl Crawford

Sports Illustrated's recently released lists of the top paid athletes in sports is well worth a look.

Fascinatingly SI have separated their lists into two, a United States list, and an international list. This separation perhaps unexpectedly provides a look into the soul of American sports. Much as we all love it, it's not always pretty.

I would argue the top eight athletes in the list are acceptable, from the point of view of value for salary. Every athlete in the top eight belongs in this list, it is hard to argue the impact and value of LeBron, Drew Brees, Kobe, Peyton Manning and so on.

From the 9 spot in the order we see problems start to arise. Alex Rodriguez is the 9th highest paid athlete in sports in the United States. That's right, A-Rod. Right after the man most to blame for the horrific logjam on the New York Yankees payroll comes perhaps the most overpaid individual on the list. Zach Greinke is good, sure, but unless you were his Dad, can you look me in the eye and say he should be the 10th highest athlete in sports in the USA? Forget athletes from other sports, there are literally dozens of MLB pitchers who should be ahead of Greinke in terms of annual earnings.

The rest of the list is a scrap heap of carnage. Take a deep breath, and, know that Alfonso Soriano, Barry Zito, Carl Crawford, Vernon Wells, Carl Nicks, Mario Williams, Johan Santana and A-Rod are all part of the top 50 highest earning athletes in the United States this year.

Soriano, Crawford and Wells (Vernon Wells, seriously!) are all laughable or chilling entries in the list, depending if you find the fact that people are paying them hundreds of millions of dollars to play sports funny or scary.

Whatever about those, Joe Johnson, Dwight Howard, Matt Schuab, Vincent Jackson and Zach Greinke might be decent athletes, but come on, seriously, top 50 paid athletes in the entire United States?

Those are just the most egregious names on the list. You could probably argue half a dozen more or so.

Compare that with the international list.

I'll give you David Beckham, he's questionable at best, and right at the top of the list. You could argue he is currently on the books of a hot French side (PSG) and is still very much 'significant' in the world of soccer, but he really doesn't represent value as the highest paid athlete in international sports.

After that though the list is pretty tight. Most, if not all of the rest of the athletes on the international list are worthy of their spot, and most if not all are at least close to the top of their respective games.

Put it this way, there is nobody like Carl Crawford stinking up the International list.

What does this all tell us?

In short, it suggests strongly that the system is, if not broken, seriously damaged in the United States. The best athletes are not the highest paid athletes. The highest paid athletes list in the USA is infected with a large percentage of players who are are broken, cheating, underachieving losers, clogging up the list with dead dollars.

Dead, wasted dollars.

I am sorry if it offends him or his 7 remaining fans, but in no universe is it logical to have Vernon Wells as one of the top 50 highest paid athletes.

Perhaps most worryingly of all, it does not appear that anyone gives a damn.


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ESPN's earth shattering report on which side of the bed LeBron gets out on

ESPN has gone to great lengths to report on how Michael Jordan had it all wrong, LeBron James can dribble left, or right, or something. Here's an exclusive sneak peek at their forthcoming follow up report on which side of the bed LeBron likes to get out of in the morning. Let's find out!!

A very ESPN snap of LeBron James

LeBron James thinks Michael Jordan's scouting report on which side of the bed he likes to get of in the morning is wrong. And James keeps proving it. Yes, we at ESPN are supposed to be impartial, but, we frequently write sycophantic sentences like, 'and James keeps proving it'.  ESPN recently asked some guy called Michael Jordan which side of the bed The King, LeBron James gets out of in the morning. Laughably, this guy, this random Joe Punter, Michael Jordan or whatever his name was, said that he thought, and we are snickering just saying this, that LeBron likes to get out of bed on the right hand side of said sleeping device.

Within days of the story coming out, LeBron, simply put, got out of bed on the left hand side of the bed.

Just. Like. That.

The very next day, LeBron did it again, hopping out of bed on the left side, as if he was mocking the guy who made the comment, whoever he was. We can't even remember. Mickey Jordache or something?

The King - LeBron James

Appraised of the guy's comment by a drooling, slathering ESPN reporter, LeBron tilted his crown to one side and let out a Doctor Hibbert like laugh.

"That theory is wrong, I guess," James said of the Jordan report.

According to Synergy Sports, James has got out of bed on the left side 50.5% of the time in 2013.  When he got out on the left, he had toast with his cereal 54% of the time. Among the 52 players who got out of bed over 50% of the time in 2013, James had the best efficiency of getting out of bed in the league. The data shows James really likes getting out of the bed on the left side.

"Frank Walker, my first sleeping coach, taught me how to get out of bed on the left side" James said. "He wouldn't let me get out of bed on the right, until I could get out on the left efficiently. We used to do it before practice every day. He always told me I'd be a much better player if I could get out of bed on the left side"

Tune into ESPN 9 tomorrow at 8 am, where we film LeBron getting out of bed on the left side. We're calling it; 'The Decision Two: Which side of the bed today?'

LeBron James

For Bobby

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Meet Filomena Tobias: The Miami fan who flipped the bird at Joakim Noah

Previously we brought you the story on the new poster child of the Miami Heat, an angry, ugly woman who thought it was OK to aggressively flip the bird at the Bull’s Joakim Noah. As it turns out, the media got hold of her pretty easily. Her name is Filomena Tobias and let’s just say, she has priors.

Filomena Tobias and friends

Are you ready to meet Filomena Tobias? Let’s just warn you, the chances are you are going to like her even less than when you first met her, after you read a little extra about her exploits thus far, before becoming the new face of the Miami Heat fandom. Let’s start with another websites headline today;  'Millionaire hedge fund widow cleared of foul play in death of husband flips the bird at basketball star'. Are you tantalised as yet?

It’s true, Mrs Tobias was cleared by police in the mysterious drowning of her husband at the couple's Jupiter, Florida home in 2007 after her husband's siblings accused her of foul play.  Filomena and Seth Tobias' (the fourth in a line of four marriages that didn’t work out for Filo!) marriage was allegedly fraught with drugs and violence but although Mr Tobias' siblings suspected her of foul play in his death, she was cleared.

Want to know how the financial aspect of this went down? Delighted you asked.

Under the settlement, Tobias’s brothers Sam and Spence took complete control of Tobias Brothers Inc., a private company, which makes it difficult to value. Filomena inherited “the balance of the estate” which would include the couple’s $3.3 million Jupiter home. Under Florida law, the “inventory” of an estate is sealed.

The New York Times reported on the lives and times of the Tobiases in a completely unrelated 2007 story. Some quick highlights for you to enjoy

• A former assistant to Seth Tobias told the police that Filomena Tobias confessed to him that she had cajoled her husband, who was on a cocaine binge, into the water, promising him sex with a male go-go dancer known as “Tiger.”
• In March 2006, the police were called to the Tobiases’ home because of a domestic disturbance. A few days later, Seth Tobias filed for divorce. It was one week before the couple’s first anniversary.
• Filomena Tobias claimed that she had caught him having an “adulterous affair” and that he had “gambled away tens of thousands of dollars and used other funds on illicit habits.”
• At one point, Filomena Tobias bought a Porsche on her credit card and then cried when her husband told her to return it, one friend recounted.
• They also secretly frequented a gay bar called Cupids in West Palm Beach
• Filomena Tobias once paid a “300-pound gay con man and Internet psychic with a long criminal history” named Billy Ash as much as $2,500 per month for his advice.
• Filomena would often appear at the office and demand cash. “Give me 15,000 f—— dollars. Give me 15,000 f—— dollars,” she hissed on one visit, according to the former Circle T staffer

She’s quite the catch, right?

Watch out buddy - you could be next!

Perhaps the single most annoying aspect of all of this, is the comments that came from her step-daughter, Victoria Racanti; 'She's embarrassed, but she is being a good sport. She was having fun just like any other fan. All she has to say is that people need to get a life.'

A quick note to Mrs Racanti, no, she is not being a good sport, she was being an obnoxious moron. Furthermore, she was not behaving like any other fan. She was behaving like 1% of fans, the knuckle dragging 1% that pulls stunts like that. There is zero excuse for her stupid actions.

You know, the more we go through the process that is this clown's 15 seconds of Internet fame, one thought remins truly shocking

Who could have imagined it, a relaxed and 'zen' Joakim Noah is coming across as, yes, likeable!

Rare shot of Filomena Tobias not flashing the bird at opponent player

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Miami Heat fans have a new poster child

Obnoxious woman and man at Heat versus Bulls game captured for eternity giving Joakim Noah a ‘Miami farewell’

Obnoxious Miami heat fans

Last night the Miami Heat demolished the upstart Chicago Bulls on their home turf 115-78 to ease into a 1-1 tie in their NBA Eastern Conference playoff series. During the game, noted Bulls hot–head Joakim Noah got into it with a zebra and got tossed for his troubles.

As he exited to the locker-room, a Miami couple charged the guard rail to the tunnel and, well, as you have probably guessed by now, the above happened.

It should first be noted that the Heat were winning by 37 points at this point. Imagine these imbeciles reactions if it had been closer. To focus on the main element of the picture, the Miami woman who is so gleefully waving her middle finger in Noah’s face, it would be interesting to know how long it took her to sprint down from the luxury club suites. Whether they like it or not, this woman is now the face of the Miami Heat fan base. Before we appear to be too eagerly driving the knife in here on Heat fans, please bear in mind two things. First, before the ‘Big Three’, Heat games had all the atmosphere of a funeral. Heat playoff games were just as bad. Pre-LeBron, as the Celtics spanked Miami out of the playoffs, their home playoff games were laughably attended. Second, it has to be remembered that the Miami Heat are the same team that recently had to send out a flyer telling their front-running fans how to act at NBA games. No, seriously.

As we said, the woman is now the poster child for Miami Heat fans. Everything about her screams fake, from the glittering gold encrusted jewellery and handbag, the screaming, over the top blouse and white pants to the contorted, angry face. Take a closer look and enjoy her flabby, shiver inducing under arm fat. We predict that’s next on her plastic surgeon’s to-do list.  What is clear is that this new found media exposure is really going to give her something to talk about with the gals at the country club, as they sit back and enjoy a $250 pedicure together

Whatever about the 'woman', We have no clue what Paul Simon is doing behind her. We would like to imagine he's shouting, 'Look out, Noah, this 'woman' is going to shove her finger up your nose!'

Or, singing it, as the case may be

On a somewhat serious note, huge kudos must go to Noah for remaining composed in the face of such arm flab waving hatred.

You stay classy, Miami, you stay classy.

The next Miami tourism board poster campaign is revealed

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LeBron James becomes second NBA player to come out after Jason Collins

Great drama across the NBA today as first Jason Collins and then LeBron James 'come out' as gay. Word from the James camp is that LeBron is 'way more super gay' than Collins.

LeBron - gay for himself

A super dramatic day across the NBA today. The news first began to unfold with the Wizards center Jason Collins bravely becoming what is being recognized as the first player from a major sport in the United States to 'out' himself as gay. Within 7 minutes LeBron James announced himself as also being gay, with a caveat.

''I do not understand the fuss about this Washington guy'' LeBron said through a statement issued during an impromptu ESPN hosted event called 'The Delusion'. ''I am gay too, and clearly far more important than this other guy. I am super gay, for myself.''

Whilst it has always been clear that LeBron clearly loves himself a great deal, it was not known that the Miami star was in actual fact, fully gay for himself. The news, however, will not come as a surprise to those that have seen his enormous ego drive a particularly stunning narcissistic brand of self promotion.

Reports indicate that the LeBron statement came quickly after the Collins version. LeBron's people are vehemently denying the Miami star was simply perturbed to be off the front pages of ESPN for five minutes. ''That is absolute garbage. We have an agreement in place with ESPN that means LeBron will be front-and-center on a daily basis, so, we can tell you with absolute certainty that is absolute rubbish.''

When pushed by incredulous reporters to delve deeper into his incredible announcement, LeBron made it clear he was only gay for himself, and not other men. ''Oh man no, God, no, I aint into other dudes, no way man'' the star proclaimed loudly. ''I am just gay for myself. I love myself, and I love myself so much, that I am gay for myself, you know what I mean, man?''

The rapping, dunking, headphone selling star went on to summarize that ''Now that I have come out as clearly the biggest NBA star to be gay. you can go back to talking about me..''

LeBron - and friend

More on LeBron:
ESPN's earth shattering report on which side of the bed LeBron gets out on

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The Miami Heat don't understand the spirit of the Harlem Shake - VIDEOS

Miami Heat do the Harlem Shake

Everybody is doing the Harlem Shake. Sports teams, clubs and other organisations are taking it upon themselves to perform their version of the viral Internet dance/pop song combination now being referred to as 'The Harlem Shake'. Effectively The Harlem Shake is an Internet meme in the form of a video of various groups of people performing a comedy sketch accompanied by a short excerpt from the song "Harlem Shake"

Here's the Miami Heat version. ESPN and other major sporting sites have been drooling all over this since it arrived late last week. They, including the Heat, are all missing the point entirely. If there was such a thing as a 'Harlem Shake' review team, they would take one look at this and shout 'wrong, wrong, wrong!'.




This may look hilarious at first viewing, however, it is absolutely wrong in terms of the spirit of the Harlem Shake. The Harlem Shake is colourful chaos. Somehow the Heat appear to have found a way to immunize it, label it and take all the good out of it. Note to LeBron, we know you are really trying to push your 'The King' label, however incorporating this into your team's version of the Harlem Shake just shows you simply don't get it.

Look at the spacing between the Heat players, it is as if they think it is a Nike advert or something, and we actually care who each player is. Check that spacing out and then check this incredibly awesome version of the Harlem Shake out, perfected beautifully by Fulham football club.



See the difference? Fulham, just a bunch of guys having a great time doing something awesome. Miami? A group of egos who are desperate for us to know exactly how much fun they are!

It is hilarious to note, by the way, that we are basically in a World where Dimitar Berbatov of Fulham is cooler, by far, than LeBron James. The above two videos are clear evidence of that. One, effortless cool, one insisting upon himself, screaming at us to love him (I am sure you can figure out which is which).

One final note to the Miami Heat on how to do the Harlem Shake. Just let go, Have fun, Stop trying to sanitize everything, sterilizing it for future merchandising prospectives. The Harlem Shake is meant to be colourful, crazy and chaotic.

Don't take it from me, take it from the likes of the below. First McGoverns, a small pub in Gorey, Wexford, Ireland. Imagine, these guys get it better than the Miami Heat!



Then, finally, the cherry on the cake. This is the single greatest, most terrifying Harlem Shake thus far. Let's drop the Mic on this, because really there is nothing to say after you have seen it. On one hand, above, you have the sterile, bland Miami Heat entry. Then you have the Omonia Nicosia football team supporting Gate 9 Ultras. Prepare to be both amused and terrified...




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The Celtics hammer the Knicks and drive Carmelo Anthony to distraction

Madison Square Garden enjoyed some school yard basketball at its finest last night. The Boston Celtics came to town and Captain Paul Pierce led his team to a thumping 102-96 win over the New York Knicks, leaving the latter so frustrated that one of its stars morphed into a 15 year old bully. To say ‘Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Garnett got into an altercation’ is a little facetious as basically what happened was Melo decided to wait for Garnett at the Celtics team bus. See image below, and Comcast Sports Net New England has the 50 second video which is pretty funny to watch, we have that for you below also.

Here’s the video footage. Melo looks like an absolute idiot. A schoolyard bully. Apparently MSG security and the police intervened, according to a source. Good to know New York’s finest are being used to for the highest priority incidents only!

How did this all come to pass? During the feisty encounter, Anthony and Garnett were tagged with double technicals in the fourth quarter. When asked about the severity of the incident after the game Garnett played it down saying "No, no, man. Just basketball. Just basketball."

The Knick’s Amar'e Stoudemire kind of echoed Garnett’s attempt to play down the situation with his own comments; "It was more just talk. More talk more than anything. Words are pretty sharp, so when you say certain things, it gets under your skin and it gets you a little angry. And that happens to the best of us. We've got to make sure that we keep our composure and see if we can beat a team like Boston." So Garnett played it all down, as did Stoudemire.

Melo?

Melo felt compelled to take it further, and ran after the Celtics team bus, which more than anything shows he just isn’t used, to or prepared for, big game, playoff type atmospheres and occasions. Not having won anything in the NBA means he is basically still a naïve puppy. No doubt there is more of this brooding, sulky behaviour ahead for us to enjoy, until he finally puts his big boy shoes on.

Some sources are reporting that NBA fines are on the way for both players, however it is hard to imagine why KG would be fined, all he was doing was getting his bus, Melo was the punk like kid waiting for him by said mode of transport.

Some side notes on the ‘Maul At The Madison’. In the win,the Celtics perhaps offered other teams a blue print of sorts on beating the Knicks. After a terrible 3rd quarter, coach Doc Rivers demanded his troops guard the 3 point line better, and force the Knicks into the paint. The tactic worked beautifully, as the Knicks were kept to 16 points only in the crucial quarter. It would appear that if you stop the Knicks hocking up lazy 3s, they are relatively powerless to beat you.

One final note to those who would write off the Celtics this season. Last night’s win came without Rajon Rondo, who was suspended for the game by the NBA. Next time these two meet, Rondo will be on the court.

One can only imagine the painful, schoolyard fit Carmello will throw should the Celtics prevail again in just two weeks’ time, when the two protagonists meet again.


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The Los Angeles Clippers demand your attention!

Every now and then this column likes to usher it's loyal readers in the direction of 'can't miss' value in terms of who's going to win what in the glorious little World of sports we all love so much. This is one of those times. The NBA is shaping up nicely for 2013, with basically six teams separating themselves from the pack and announcing their intentions to win the title. The Heat are winning games seemingly without breaking sweat, although they are under enough pressure that Dwayne Wade has started kicking opponents in the groin. Oklahoma look good again, as does anyone who has Kevin Durant in their squad, while the Lakers, Knicks and Spurs are obviously also contenders to some degree.

The LA Clippers however provide perhaps the most fascinating value to punters looking to get in on the NBA title or just Western title action. Now, let's print a Blake Griffin sized disclaimer here, we're not saying 'The Clippers will definitely win the NBA title' - what we are saying is, they represent serious value to do same!

The Clippers just tick a lot more boxes than many of those ahead of them in the current NBA betting. Form? Yes Sir, the Clippers are in seriously good form. They are just finished a 17 game winning streak where they routinely pounded the opposition into the court. With a winning percentage of .781 they are just behind Oklahoma and ahead of everyone else in terms of pure wins.

 The Clippers 17 game win streak

Statistically the Clippers are in fine shape. They rank 4th in the NBA in scoring while also ranking 7th overall in terms of giving up buckets, which is a nice balance. What this column loves about them most is they are 3rd in the NBA in assists, which means they are sharing the rock around, and, as we all know, sharing is caring!

They are young as a team, far younger than, for example, the Lakers, who Kob Bryant just called 'old' (no, seriously, he did). Their superstars are mostly all very young, including perhaps the brightest star, Blake Griffin. They are also, to date, healthy, unlike some of the other squads that are already breaking down through injury. Youth would stand well to them as the playoffs approach and the stamina of NBA players is tested.

Finally, the Clippers represent serious value.

For whatever reason, their form, talent and youth have not attracted the attention of the Vegas wise guys as yet, by and large. You can get the Clippers to win the NBA at 10/1 and to win the West at 5/1 still. Put that up against, for example, the Lakers, who are currently an obscenely poor value at 7/1, and you see what we are getting at.

Look, the Clippers are a young, talented and progressive sort, and right now the bookmakers haven't adjusted fully to them as yet. The 10/1 to win the NBA and the 5/1 to win the West represent super value to anyone that way inclined.

Grab either or indeed both, drop $5 of your hard earned wages on them and enjoy play like this, as you ride the value hopefully all the way to the title and the bank.



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Sports in the United States now a major part of US Military propaganda: A few thoughts

Last night I stumbled upon what I first assumed was a History Channel documentary on the fall of the Weimar Republic and the rise of Nazi Germany, one of those ones they do in that gaudy Technicolor finish. There were loud, boisterous, fanatical and nationalist crowds chanting mantras and combining to execute perfect rhythmic gestures. There was loud, nationalistic music, and fly-overs by military airplanes. Soldiers marched  pre-game, and were deified like heroes of Ancient Greece. Even the crowd and side-lines were top-heavy with men and women in military uniform. The commentary was unified with one, mantra like message; ‘Support the troops!’

I was, of course, wrong, and I was actually watching coverage of the NFL last night. A sport, a pastime and an entertainment, completely and utterly hijacked by all branches of the military.

Hold on now, steady your hand for one second, before you go barging into the comments section, virtually waving your arms and shouting blue-murder.

A couple of full-disclosure type disclaimers before we get started. First of all, I have the utmost respect for those who decide the military path is for them. My extended family has a number of veterans in its ranks, heroes one and all, to me. I have a number of close friends who have served, also,  and I tip my cap with full reverence to them.  This is not a rant against the necessity of organized armed forces, and definitely not a rant against those who make up their ranks. Having studied history in college and having been brought up by a brilliant historian, I urge you not to confuse the below with some kind of misguided rant against the military.

This is also not a war on Veteran’s day.  Yesterday’s celebrations across the stadiums of the United States at supposedly entertaining, friendly, sporting events acted as the catalyst though, to a line of thinking, curious and questioning towards the endless, ceaseless stream of pro-military propaganda (that is what it is, like that word or not) that is embedded into the fabric of modern sporting America.

Here’s the problem. Not so long ago, before ‘Glasnost’, before Mikhail Gorbachev and the fall of the Soviet Empire, we all scoffed in unison at the blatant and clumsy Russian deification of their massive armed forces. Those massive pro-communist forces, socialist murals and posters may have looked magnificent, but to us in the West they were a symbol of an oppressed peoples, misled by their leaders. Those of us in Europe in the 1980s in particular recall the massed ranks of Soviet military making up most of the attendance at their soccer team’s games in European competition. A little bit before that, the far greater evil of Nazi Germany practically wrote the book on integrating sporting activities and Nationalist propaganda. We have all seen the footage, the massive, throbbing crowds chanting and roaring in unison, Nazi flags everywhere you looked.

Why is the United States following that path so readily, so easily, and so completely without question? Trust me, I checked. Absolutely no one has even raised a sniff of a hint of a question about this bombardment of military propaganda within the sporting realm.  Forget the semblance of opposition, there isn’t even the vague suggestion of a questions as to whether this is the right path to be following.

Maybe it’s best to take a second to look at ‘Why?’.

Why is there so much recruitment propaganda on sporting websites that children and young adults frequent? Why are soldiers, sailors and airmen being wheeled out at every single sporting event until sometimes you forget there is a game about to be played. The military slant is fast becoming a feature of the entertainment being presented to us.

But why? This isn’t a garage sale, and it isn’t a tinned foods drive, the Military certainly isn’t having any issues raising funds. Why is the sporting media and why are sports events across the States trying to make the military look so inviting? What are they trying to paint being part of the military in such a good light for? Is it because they care so deeply about the well-being of the youth of America, the young men and women of the United States poorer cities (far and away the greatest percentage of the combined armed forces are from Detroit, Atlanta and the other damaged, broken cities of America)?

Well if that were the case, they wouldn’t be promoting the act of sending them to faraway places to be killed, maimed and psychologically impaired. If that were the case then they would be eulogising and waxing lyrical about the vital importance of education. If that were the honest case, they would be trying to reach the youth of the United States to educate them on the importance of a good diet and the dangers of obesity.

However, no, we get endless flashy, glossy advertisements on sporting websites telling us how sexy it is to put a uniform on and serve Uncle Sam.

The only logical answer to why sports media, online, in print and at sporting events presents being a part of the military in such a glowing light is that same military badly needs warm bodies. Your white, well-to-do son isn’t going to do it. He and or she will be too busy in a upscale college to get their hands dirty in the Middle East. No, it’s going to take a lot of sports loving, Hispanic, Asian, African American and other ethnic group’s kids to get the military populated to the numbers the massive war machine of the United States needs.

Where better to recruit these children, youths and young adults than the sports websites and events of the games and teams they love?

Obviously, no one is going to skip and hop down to the recruitment agency after watching the Omaha beach landings in Saving private Ryan. However, stick a few busty cheerleaders in front of them, and get a few NFL\MLB\NBA players to shake the current incumbent military personnel’s hands while giving them a well-meaning hug, and the watching youth of America are probably considerably more likely to sign away their lives on the dotted line, right?

Once again, we are not just having an unnecessary ‘poke’ at the military. They are what they are, a necessary evil. What I am wondering here is, do we really have to deify the military like this at sporting events? Do we really have to expose the children and young adults of the United States to  the trappings of what is a deathly, serious, business and do we have to hijack sports in order to do this?

Look, no doubt this is going to be an unpopular piece, but before you go hammering into the comment section with the usual fist shaking, ranting vitriol, think for a second. Ask yourself the question, why are the US sporting media and the relevant sporting bodies going this far out of their way to heap adulation on men and women who are involved in basically travelling overseas and killing people from other cultures? Why is it being rammed down our throats every kick off, every time out and every break? Honestly, are you 100% comfortable with a carpet bombing campaign of military recruitment bring flung out our youth on ESPN, CNNSI and Yahoo sports?

Is this really the path we should be going down, a path well worn by the media of Nazi Germany and Communist Russia?

That’s the type of society we want to emulate?

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The Superstars are out and voting but who's for Barack Obama and who's for Mitt Romney?

Derek Jetter shakes President Obama's hand at an All Star game

The big night is tonight, and the Superstar athletes we all love have been busy campaigning and voting for their preferred choice to occupy The White House and lead the United States the next four years.


Who is voting for who?

First, in the incumbent’s corner, Michael Jordan is not only the greatest living basketball player, he is also a known Obama fan, and has given his time and money to the cause. Some would argue Billie Jean King is the greatest female tennis player of all time too, and she is also a staunch Obama supporter. One of the hottest players in the NFL Giants receiver Victor Cruz hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. Chris Bosh of the Miami Heat kept the basketball theme going by attending a fundraiser for The President. Perhaps there is something in the fact that The President loves basketball, that is reflected in his incredible support among the NBA ranks. Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, Vince Carter, Magic Johnson and Doc Rivers are just some of the big Obama fans in the NBA’s ranks.

Yankees legend Derek Jeter is an ardent Obama supporter, as are Vernon Davis of the 49ers and MLB home run king (the real home run king) Hank Aaron. Even those who can’t vote are eager to voice their opinion, for example Manchester United’s superstar Wayne Rooney, who took to the social networks to voice his support for The President.

Above all perhaps, The Greatest has been a huge supporter of Obama, The President enjoys the support of Muhammad Ali, and that’s a serious endorsement!

Now to the right, where Jack Nicklaus was seen rallying with Romney. Rockies first baseman Todd Helton is also a known Romney fan, and one of his youngest too. Wrestlemania CEO Vince McMahon has donated the legal maximum $2500 to Romney's campaign. There must be something about wrestling and Romney, as Hulk Hogan also support the Republican hopeful. Romney is also supported by Yankees ‘slugger’ Alex Rodriguez. That might be the kind of support he could do without, however. New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said in an interview with Bloomberg TV that Romney winning the election is more important to him than winning the Super Bowl. If the current odds against Romney winning and the Jets record in the AFC East are anything to go by, Johnson will probably not have to worry about either happening.

Looking at the above lists, what stands out is the majority of famous athletes seem to be in support of President Obama. Certainly the younger ones, certainly many of the greatest of their respective fields, and, for what it’s worth, certainly the coolest ones!

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Cavaliers Kyrie Irving unveils Uncle Drew, Chapter 2

This is brilliant. I would go as far as uplifting (and there are plenty of us out there that need a lift right now, New York, I am looking at you!). The Cavs young star Kyrie Irving and a soda drink have teamed up to create this joyfully funny character 'Uncle Drew', basically Irving in heavy make up as an old street-baller.

He turns up at random street courts and wows the locals with his surprisingly awesome play. Let's get one subject out of the way straight away, this video is so good, it doesn't matter that it is basically an advertisement for a soft drink. Let's move on. There is a part one to what appears to be building to a series, however we are skipping straight to number two because basically this one is better than part one. This is 'The Empire Strikes Back' to part one's 'Star Wars', if you will.

For Part Two, Irving gets together with Kevin Love, and they play Uncle Drew and his old buddy 'Wes'. They take to a street court and take on 'The Young Bloods'. Check out the expression on the courtside fans and players as the two old guys show up.

Enough with the chit chat. Free up five minutes for yourself and watch this.



Fantastic stuff, no? Bill Russell's appearance is an added bonus. The on-court action is really funny, and even the music is great.

It is rare that something this creative and funny comes along, so don't bother picking at it, trying to find flaw and fault, let's just enjoy it for what it is.

We can't wait for Uncle Drew, Part III

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Nike LeBron X shoe will cost $300 while 15% of the USA is below the poverty line

Nike LeBron X shoe to cost $300

Right now, in a remote desert region somewhere in the Middle East, a terrorist trainer is showing an attentive class a PowerPoint presentation and slowly, for effect, eulogizing that, '..this, this is why we hate the United States'. No, the presentation is not about the Kardashian sisters. No, it isn't anything to do with Justin Bieber or the insanity that is child obesity and fast food in middle America. It isn't even about Donald Trump. No, the presentation is about LeBron's new Nike shoes.

Before we kick off, let's get one thing straight. The below isn't wanton capitalism bashing, you won't find this author extolling the virtues of communism or a switch back to the old system of barter of goods and services. We all take part in this Western World, including me, we all make occasional stupid purchases, we are all just trying to get by.

However, in no World, capitalist, communist or otherwise, is there any valid reason for a company to create a $300 sneaker, and it is particularly ugly when that sneaker cost them about $10 to create, and the families they are aimed at are generally low income, inner city families. In a World where millions of people are starving to death every minute, in a country where unemployment is rife and where approximately 15% of adults in the United States officially live below the poverty line, LeBron James and Nike have come up with a shoe that is going to cost $300 to buy.

That's right, a sneaker that is going to set you back $300 to buy it.

Of course, LeBron has had very little to do with this, Nike have done all the hard work. They paid some kid in Indonesia $2 today to put together the shoe, the same one they are going to sell for 150 times that sum to only the finest collection of Muppets on this great planet Earth. LeBron, supposed philanthropist (as he insists in his cameo on Entourage), is just putting his name, his face and his enormous ego to the shoe.

I am sure the starving kids in Africa that he throws the occasional bouquet at are absolutely thrilled that LeBron has released a new $300 shoe. I imagine they all gathered around one of the kids iPads to check the shoe out, before heading off to their local Foot Locker to pick up a couple of pairs. Each.

With this incredibly crass, arrogant pricing of a shoe Nike has yet again displayed it's wonderfully warped grasp on the status-quo in America. There are quite literally hundreds of thousands of people protesting in the streets against rampant greed in all its shapes and forms, and yet Nike deem this the right time to bring out a shoe that will cost $300? Incredible.

They should have called it 'The Nike 1%'

Before you jump to the defence of a company to price their wares any way they want, spare a thought for a second for hard working family men and women, who are now going to feel compelled to try and buy this ridiculous shoe for little Jimmy, little Tommy or little Keyshaun. In England and Ireland, men and women are distraught trying to afford the latest $50 Manchester United or Chelsea jersey for their kids, lest they be teased on the playground. In the States it is going to be $300 shoes.

I wonder how many families in Akron, where LeBron is from, can afford the new LeBron shoe?

Whatever about the idiots who decided to price a shoe, that cost them about $10 (including parts and labour) to create, up at $300-$315, what about the brain dead chug monkeys that are actually going to purchase these disgusting symbols of waste, greed and frivolity?

If you do end up buying one of these pairs of sneakers, congratulations. You are approximately as intelligent as Imelda Marcos.

Have fun with that.

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Please! Enough already with the Jeremy Lin: 25 games started = $25 million contract

Good lord! Jeremy Lin this, Jeremy Lin that. The Knicks will keep him, the Knicks won’t keep him. Whatever. Houston have him now so maybe, maybe there is some end in sight to this torrential downpour of repetitive, inane Jeremy Lin media coverage. What on earth has been going on? ESPN is practically ESPN\JeremyLin.com at this stage, their poster boy LeBron James has even taken a backstage to Linsanity.

Imagine you were a pretty big sports fan who, the night before Lin injured himself this NBA season past, was hit in the head by a blunt object and slipped into a coma. Imagine you woke up today and your loved ones had a laptop ready for you with all the big sporting websites open so you could catch up on your beloved sports news straight off the bat.

From the sheer stupid, heavy weight of Lin related coverage, you would have to assume that Lin had, while you lay in a coma, single handed led the Knicks to the NBA title, averaging 34 points a game in the playoffs, had talked Michael Bay out of ever making another Transformer movie, had opened sixteen orphanages, slapped the silly out of Tom Cruise, and donated 50 % of his salary to New York’s homeless.  The next day after all that, he had cured World hunger.

How stunned would you be if you were to find that Lin had actually ceased playing the night you had got knocked out cold? He didn’t score one point from that point on in the NBA and evidence suggests he had not slapped the crazy out of Tom Cruise. You would basically slip right back into a coma, right?

Whatever about the (L)insanity of all this endless media coverage, what on earth are Houston doing offering Lin a 3 year $25 million dollar contract on the basis of one half of a decent NBA season? Is there really such a dearth of talent around at the point guard position that people are willing to dole out such huge figures on the basis of a completely inconsequential sample period?!

Taking a quick step back, let’s review the ‘career’ of Jeremy Lin thus far.

Lin has played in 64 NBA games. Total. Ever. Of those, he has started a pathetic 25. 25 games started in the NBA. In the history of time. Lin has attempted 80 three point shots in his career, and has hit on a very pedestrian 25 of those. Think about that for a second. He has hit 25 3 point shots. Ever. Ray Allen hit about that many in the time it took to write this article. Lin has scored 588 points in his long, storied NBA career. Total. LeBron James scored 588 points falling out of bed this morning.


Jeremy Lin is about to get a contract that rewards him with a million dollars for every start in his career thus far.

This bloated Lin coverage is absolutely ridiculous.

What is it going to finally take to get him off of the front pages? Bearing in mind, Lin has basically done nothing of consequence in terms of NBA history, and yet still he is demanding more column inches and breathless side-line reporter segments than real, actual, productive and successful athletes. What is it going to take? LeBron caught in a limousine with a transvestite ‘lady’ of the night? Josh Hamilton taking a tour of the Duff Brewery? Bryce Harper renouncing Mormonism and switching to Scientology?

It would be one thing if Lin was interesting. Sadly he would appear to have the charisma of your average log and the dramatic possibilities of the colour grey. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer my wildly over rated athletes to have, you know, lived a little.

Bring back Tim Tebow, all is forgiven!

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